fingers are so last year

I gots me a pair of fingerless gloves! WOOT! 

I'm so excited about this. My hands are always cold when I'm typing. I blame aliens. And sometimes monsters.

Most people just tell me that I have bad circulation. I don't believe that for a nanosecond. If my circulation was evil, it probably wouldn't even circulate. It might just circ. Or ulate. Or neither! But not both! (You know, because it's evil.)

I just put them on! They are soooo warm! And I can still type. It feels a little weird, but I love it. When things feel weird, they're good.

Sometimes, to stay warm, you have to look kinda...different. And I'm okay with that. People will probably ask what's wrong with my hands and I will tell them that aliens implanted robot eyes on my palms and I'm insecure about it.

That will make them feel awkward for asking me.

And then I'll laugh and take the gloves off to shock them. They'll be surprised to find that it isn't true!

This is a lot of talk about gloves that are just missing the fingers, but really, is there anything more exciting going on today?

No. There isn't. Trust me. I checked. Fingerlessly.

I'm off to keep my hands warm...all the way up to the tips!

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

speaking of science...

I miss old science. I always hear stories about scientists just "trying" things to see how it works. Seriously. Scientists be crazy! 

This guy, William Mitchell, was a chemist in 1956. He wanted to make "instant carbonated soda" by just adding water. Because, you know, when you're stranded in a desert and you need to stay alive, it would be lovely if you could find an oasis to enjoy a cool, crisp, bubbly beverage.

William, Dr. Mitchell if you're nasty, set a trap. Carbon dioxide is elusive, but a sucker for a good plant. Willy put a bunch of plants under a net. The carbon dioxide couldn't resist the lure of photosynthesis. When it came in the room...BAM! He dropped the net and got some carbon dioxide!

Once it was trapped, he put it in some hard candy tablets.

One afternoon he was experimenting with these tablets. During this time, he decided to experiment with them BY PUTTING THEM IN HIS MOUTH!

Because, you know, it's not weird or dangerous to do that with stuff you're experimenting with.

And by "not weird or dangerous" I mean TOTALLY INSANE!

Do you remember what happened to Dr. Filisper during the Manhattan Project? Probably not, because they don't like to talk about it. He was another "test it by tasting" kinda guy.

He didn't last too long.

So what have we learned today? You can trap carbon dioxide with a net!

Frankie's known that for years. (REALLY, REALLY dated joke! Ask your grandparents. They'll think it's funny.)

Dr. Mitchell was okay, though. He invented Pop Rocks instead of "instant soda."

I'm off to taste test.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i shoot lightning from my hands

Well...maybe I don't. I'm not, like, a Sith Lord or anything. THEY do that all evilly. I would NEVER shoot lightning for evil. Only at evil.

The U.S. Army has a lab. A lab where they are creating a Lightning Laser! Like Thor's Hammer! Or a Sith's hands! But in laser form!

How cool would it be to just shoot lightning out of a gun?! Scientists have figured out how to create an energized plasma channel in the air! And SHAZAM! (Comic book lightning reference. Look it up and you'll laugh) You're hit by lightning!

According to the scientists, "We never get tired of the lightning bolts zapping our simulated (targets)."

Now THAT is what I call science!

Scientist One: "What should we do today?"

Scientist Two: "How about we shoot lightning at stuffs?"

Scientist One: "Didn't we do that yesterday? Aren't you bored of that?"

Scientist Two: (Puzzled look) "???"

Scientist One: "GAH! Got ya! I'm just messin' with ya! OF COURSE we'll shoot lightning! That's what scientists do! HAHA! You should have seen the look on your face!"

Scientist Two: "HA! You totally got me! I thought we were going to have to shoot lightning at you after that comment! HA HA!"

Scientist One: "...wait...what?"

Scientist Two: "...nothing...let's go shoot lightning at stuff..."

And THAT is how science works. So kids, you should grow up to be a scientist. It's awesome. And full of lightning.

I'm off to make a plasma channel.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

one secure pole position

Have you ever seen a telephone pole? Well...I guess they are technically called "utility" poles because they do a lot more than hold telephones! Like Batman's utility belt, which does more than hold up his pants. 

Utility poles hold cable, electricity, internet, sprinkles, fairy dust, phone, squirrels, and everything else!

Some of them have support cables attached. I guess to make sure they don't fall down.

It's okay. We all need support sometimes. It's healthy to admit that.

I saw one of these fancy utility poles with SEVEN support cables! SEVEN!!! That's a lot of support! That's, like, Snow Pole and the Seven Cables!

The best part? This pole is near my apartment! So even if a boulder comes rolling down the street, I will not lose my electricity!

Not that I can afford to pay my electric bill, but it's still nice to know that if I COULD pay it, I WOULD have electricity.

I also saw a bunch of puddles when I saw this heavily-cabled pole. I don't know where they came from. Maybe ducks are bored of using ponds and want to relocate. But without rain, they had to bring some of their own water.

I would like a baby duck for a pet. I would name him Olaf.

I'm off to check my meter.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the colors are everywhere

I broke a plate (sad face). Or I guess I could emoticon it. :(

I don't think I ever broke a plate before! Glasses...yeah...plenty. But that's the glasseseses fault! They make them all glassy and stuff! I mean, really, what did they expect?

That's why I use plastic tumblers. I don't know why they're called that, but they do great tumbles! They NEVER break. AND they are bright colors! I like the green and orange ones. Green for my green beverages and orange for my orange ones.

I actually only have green and orange beverages. This is 168% true.

So I broke my plate while I was washing it. I think maybe I just washed it too much and wore it down. Or because I dropped it in the sink. Either way, it is now two half-plates.

You know what's cool? A kaleidoscope. Wow! That's a hard word to spell.

Oh...I thought of that because I was thinking of putting plate pieces into one. That would be awesome! Kaleidoscopes are really pretty. I would like to have one.

OOOOH! I would like a rocketship that is powered by a kaleidoscope!

Kaleidoscope Rocket!

That would be a good band name.

It would also be a good name for a unicorn.

I'm off to buy a unicorn and a rocket.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

i shake, and then i pour

My orange juice is very helpful. It has directions on it. Shake & Pour.

Simple as that! Can you imagine what my mornings would be like if I didn't have that help?

I might just shake and not pour! What would happen then? I wouldn't know what to do! I'd have this wonderfully homogeneous mixture just sitting there in a carton. It would never be enjoyed. Because nobody told me to pour it!

Or if I just poured it without any shaking going on. I would get this watery, unpulped glass of orange one day, then a chunky cup of pulp another day!

And I don't even buy the orange juice with pulp in it! It would just appear!

Did you know that 31% of people don't want pulp in their orange juice? It's true. I'm not sure if that 31% are upset about the surprise pulp from a lack of shaking or if they will never buy the orange juice that is specifically made with pulp in it.

Is it harder to make orange juice with pulp? Or is it just a different squeezer? Or is it all the same and pulp is plopped in after?

I'd tell you, but I don't know much about citrus sinensisology. Well, I know to shake and pour, but beyond that, I'm pretty useless.

You know what you should pour and NOT shake? Carbonated beverages.

You know what you should shake and NOT pour? Carbonated beverages.

And snow globes. Because pouring them would make them work less.

And they don't taste good. Those snow flakes are NOT water pulp. If they are, they don't taste as good as orange pulp. And they make you way more sicker.

I'm off to shake and pour.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the greatish escape

I love my neighborhood. I've only lived in a few places, but I've always been lucky. There is always something...unexpected...waiting for me.

Like a mattress on the bushes. As you know, I'm a fan of the mattress on a car. Because, as stated in an earlier blog, you take a nap on it and the car will drive you home. Or a candy store. Either is fine.

But the mattress and box spring on the bushes confuzzles me. It's those TALL bushes that people use as a fence-like property boundary thing. Privacy shrubbery.

Then, I figured it out! An escape plan! I've watched movies where people have to climb over a barbwire fence and they put something over the sharpies so they don't get hurt.

Have you ever tried to run through bushes? They're sharp! So to avoid all the blood lossery, somebody threw a mattress on the top of the bushes and climbed over!

Take that blood! You're staying in the body!

I'm not sure WHO needed to escape from that house, but I DO have a theory.

In my head, there is this dog and cat who have been working on a comedy act. It's pretty hilarious. (It is in my head, at least.) But the house has one of those laser fences that you can't see. The dog and the cat dragged the mattress (and box spring) out of the house and threw it on top of the bushes and then escaped!

Now they're on the road trying to make it big.

In my head, they make tons of money and I'm their agent. But we only talk on the phone because I'm allergic to them.

My carrots are not good today. That has nothing to do with the story in my head. It has everything to do with the carrots in my Gladware. They are gross.

I wouldn't even give them to my animal clients. Because I'm a good agent.

I'm off to shrub the yard...and buy new carrots.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

built for two

Have you ever ridden a bicycle built for two?

Have you ever done the Tour de France on a bicycle built for two with a carbon fiber frame, proportionally scaled tube and junction profiles, and a precision-tuned fork?

Well you can now! There have been a few wonderful moments in my life when I was able to see a couple riding a bicycle built for two. Generally, it's a very relaxed ride.

But I just saw a couple wearing their racing spandex on a speed-demon of a bike built for two!

It was more like a bolt of lighting going at warp speed built for two!

They were going at, like, a million knots a second! (nautically speaking, of course)

Did you know that a nautical mile is different from a roadical mile? I knew that. I'm nautical by nature, so I know those kinds of things.

Don't ask me why, though. I can't find a good reason. I just love saying the word nautical.

Nauticalnauticalnautical.

I would like to sail a boat built for two. I would boat it to a roadical where I could ride a bicycle built for two!

Then ride a boat sitting on laundry lines!

I know that doesn't really make sense. The other day I saw a boat sitting on top of somebody's laundry lines. I'm not sure if the boat was hanging out to dry, or if it floated there in a flood, or fell from the sky.

Either way, I wanted to ride it!

I'm off to do nautical things.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

it's all clear to me now

Whoops! That's what I get for not paying attention!

I needed a shower curtain. So I bought one. Turns out it is COMPLETELY CLEAR!

In the package it looked "frosted" or something. I guess because it was all folded up. I thought it had SOME opaqueness to it.

NOPE! NOTHING!

I've never had a shower curtain like that before! It's...weird...but oddly bright in the shower now!

And that's about all I got. I bought it. It's up. End of story.

Umm...yeah...I wish something exciting happened with it. Maybe it causes a rift in spacetime. Or timespace.

OH! Wait! I think it does! Because a coupon fell from my ceiling right after I bought it!

I put the curtain up. I was sitting around filing my nails or something and BAM! A coupon to Stop & Shop fell on me!

This is no joke! I have a clear shower curtain that warps time and space and is somehow connected to the little coupon machine at S&S!

So if you are waiting for your coupon at the self-checkout and it never comes up, it might be in my apartment.

Sorry, but you know the saying, "Spacetime finders, keepers. Losers, weepers get sucked into a black hole and are never seen from again."

I'm off to save $10 on my $40 purchase.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

paging dr. agon

OH MY DRAGON! This is the greatest thing that's ever happened in my life!

I got a text from my lovely co-worker Dina. She was looking for toys.

As you may or may not know, texts are only 160 characters. When you send something that is OVER 160 character, you get TWO text messages!

How fun is that?! If it goes over 320 characters, YOU GET THREE TEXTS! YAY!

So I got a two-part text from Dina. The first text ended with "red or blue or whatever dr"

The next text message said "agon. he is paying..."

I thought she was looking for a Dr. Agon toy.

NOPE! She was looking for a DRAGON!

How awesome would it be to have a dragon that is also a doctor named Dr. Agon!

I'm going to go to medical school and change my name to Agon.

Then I will be able to fly and shoot fire out of my mouth.

Because that's what happens.

It would be better than choking on my coffee.

Because that's what actually happened this morning. Twice.

I'm off to text a hospital.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

step it up a little bit

I will exercise when I can. It's not bad. It's not great, but I feel like I should do it because it's supposed to be healthy for you.

One thing I have NEVER done is "step" stuff. I don't get it. Without any instruction, I tried stepping up onto the platform. I did it. Then I stepped down again. Woo.

Maybe I'm doing it wrong because it was not even close to resembling a workout! Maybe I should be carrying an ox when I do it. That would probably make it harder, right?

OH! You know what is sweet (and totally unrelated but I just thought of it and didn't want to forget to tell you)! Strawberries are coming early!

I know it's because of climate change and stuff, but it's still pretty awesome. I like good strawberries. Not bad ones. Good ones are good. Bad ones are not good. They are bad. Strawberries are one of the cutest fruits, don't you think?

The doctor said I was healthy (going back to the healthy talk). I told him that I exercised. Not step aerobics, though.

My doctor likes bears. He had a bear calendar in his room. I found out that Bear Awareness Week was in the beginning of May. I'm bear aware. Are you?

I bet bears like strawberries.

I tried strawberries and peanut butter once. Because I like peanut butter on pretty much everything. It wasn't gross. But it wasn't anything special. Try it if you like, but it's kind of a waste. Save the pb for apples or bread. Peanut butter pb, not lead.

I'm off to have a strawberry picnic with a bear.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hands or feets or windshields

I drive a car with air vents. I think most cars do. The ones that do not...well...I hope they have windows or something. That would really stink if they do not.

But MY car has both! Fancy automobile, I have!

It was a little humid this weekend, but not too hot. I put on some air conditioning to keep me and my windshield cool and dry, but it was a little cold on my feet, so I made it just blow through the hand vents. Then my windshield needed a little drying out, so I put it up there.

Why can't I do a windshield/hand combo? How is that not an option? I mean...why is there a feet/windshield option?

And how come you can't get triple-air with a hand/foot/windshield combo! How awesome would that be?!

Imagine the amount of air that would come in through those vents! It would be crazy! I would be able to fly a kite in my car!

Who doesn't love a little car kiting?!

Maybe you have a fancier car that gives you more options. My car is still pretty fancy, though. With all those windows AND air vents.

I also have four floor mats. FOUR! Bet you can't say that about your car!

Sometimes I put all four of them under my feet while I'm driving. Just to make sure my floor is totally matted.

You know I'm driving 4-matted when you see me fly by you with your triple-blow air vents and I laugh at your single-mattedness.

Take that fancy car.

I'm off to check your vents.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the bison representative

The United States of America needs a mammal. A "National Mammal."

We've gone mammal-free for far too long! Lawmakers have introduced the National Bison Legacy Act so when you think America, you think bison-mammal!

The Intertribal Buffalo Council and the National Bison Association are behind this 100%. The NBA (not to be confused with the NBA) has members in ALL 50 states ready to make this happen.

There is no official word from President Obama about the bison...yet. But something could happen soon. He has some competition this year.

There's some election thing coming up and rumors are already starting. There is talk that Mitt Romney is a unicorn. There is no proof that he is NOT a unicorn, so clearly, there is a 99% chance that he IS a unicorn! (This is real. Look it up.)

So if Mitt becomes president, guess what our National Mammal would be! A UNICORN! (SO AWESOME!)

I know what you're thinking, "A bison could beat up a unicorn."

Really. You think that. Even though unicorns are magical and have a giant horn on their heads. You still think your bison-mammal can take out a unicorn-mammal?

I didn't think so.

This is the only important issue to think about when it comes time to vote on those ballot things.

Think about how majestic our new flag would look with a unicorn standing on a rainbow.

THAT is a United States I can unite with stately!

I'm off to make percentage heard.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj