Thursday, August 30, 2012

nuclear power at your fingertips


Or wrist, I guess. Because you can now have nuclear power in a watch!

YES! This is real! The Nuclear Watch provides "nuclear illumination for up to 25 years!" It's chock full of radioactive hydrogen atoms that light up the watch hands and the lines where all the numbers go.

And since this nuclear fission is just happening ALL THE TIME, everything stays lit up ALL THE TIME.

I'm not sure if I should be afraid or in awe of this thing. I mean, it's glowing. On you. Due to radiation. Which, I've HEARD, is bad for your wrist.

And all your other body parts, too.

I mean, this is literally a TICKING NUCLEAR TIME...piece.

The "Nuclear Regulatory Commission" says it's safe. I've never heard of the NRC. They claim they are real people. They just don't get much press. Nor do they get a health plan.

If I saw somebody wearing a watch that glowed with the power of radioactivity, I would not ask them for the time. I might catch a cold fusion or something. I don't want to risk that.

Have you ever had a cold? Think about that cold with FUSION added on to it!

I once had a case of cold fusion in middle school. It was not pleasant. History class was never the same again.

It is also the reason I never played football.

That, and the fact that in the four fundamental forces of nature, I'm total weak force. (This is, in fact, a totally hilarious joke because it has to do with radioactive decay. Look it up and you'll laugh. A lot. I promise.)

I'm off to check the time.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

magic eye magic car


Do you remember the magic eye posters? Find the 3-D image in the weird picture? They still make them. They actually have a Harry Potter Magic Eye Book! Which makes total sense because Harry Potter is magic!

I was driving home and thinking that maybe it would be cool to have a big bumper sticker on my car that was a magic eye image. It would say "PLEASE STOP" or something. I say that because, if somebody was getting sleepy behind the wheel and their eyes weren't focused, they would see the "STOP" message and stop their car instead of hitting me!

Good idea, right?!

Then I thought, how cool would it be to have my whole car be a 3-D image of something! Like a whale or boat or another kind of car!

Then people would see my car in 3-D! And it would look like a whale was driving down the street with them!

Wouldn't that just knock your socks off and take those knocked off socks to a batting cage and hit 50 home runs while doing push-ups and drinking fire and glass shards?!

Yep. It would do that.

So next time you're driving down the street and you can't focus your eyes, watch out for a 3-D whale.

And also watch out for my car. It'll say "PLEASE STOP." In 3-D. So if you hit me, you have no excuse. The warning was right there IN YOUR FACE.

I'm off to the third dimension.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, August 24, 2012

waffles within the border


It's National Waffle Day! It is NOT, I repeat NOT, INTERNATIONAL Waffle Day!

And that is just the start of the confusion!

Being excited about Waffle Day, you probably want to go eat waffles. But to celebrate properly, you don't want to eat any waffles that are outside national jurisdiction. Since it is not International Waffle Day.

But is Belgian Waffle really from Belgia? According to my team of researchers (wikipedia), the Belgian waffle was invented in the North America Nation (where we are)! So go for it!

Of course, if you want a Stroopwafel or a Pandan waffle, you are out of luck. I know. You're upset. But it can't be helped. If you even TRY to sneak a Gaufres a la Flamande onto your plate, the waffle police will arrest you and put you in a vat of syrup.

Which actually sounds fantastic.

It's hard to get it out of your hair, but it feels so good to soak in it.

Do they have a syrup soak? I know they do it with seaweed and chocolate, but I have never heard of syrup.

Maybe in Canada. Canadians do that sort of thing. Because it rains syrup there. Luckily, they can catch it on their waffle umbrellas.

And then eat the umbrellas.

That sounds good...is Canada in my nation?

Who cares! Spread the waffle love!

I'm off to check Canadian real estate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

the love apple


Did you go to the 28th annual tomato contest in Boston? WELL! Every year Mary Kassler and Bob Heiss test tomatoes on taste, firmness, color, and shape. I don't know why shape matters. Or color. Or firmness. Doesn't it just have to taste good?

And it's a tomato! They don't even taste good! Full disclosure, I don't actually like tomatoes. I like them only in ketchup flavor.

They even call the tomato the "love apple."

As much as I ADORE the term "love apple," I cannot give that name to the tomato. I actually can't think of anything except the apple that deserves to be called "love apple." Maybe a pineapple? Or banana? Strawberry, probably. Definitely NOT tomato.

I would never eat a tomato like an apple...unless, perhaps, I could not clearly see the produce display and only had blurry colors from which to pick. Then I might, accidentally, pick up a tomato and take a bite out of it. But the shape, color, and firmness would have to trick me. (Now I see why that's judged!)

But of course, that would only happen if my glasses fell into the river.

Which they did.

I was swatting at a bee near my head and BOOP! glasses flew off and into the river!

So if you are showering and some glasses fall out of the nozzle (that's a fun world), those are mine. Thanks.

If you do not return them, I will blame you for all mishaps involving love apples.

And by love apples, I mean gross tomatoes.

I'm off to squint at the produce.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 20, 2012

let's talk about socks


I was at the store the other day buying socks. YES! SOCKS! I have an issue with socks. It's a love/hate relationship. I don't want to talk about it.

I will say that I want to be a sock model. Like those guys on the sock bags. That's awesome! All I have to do is smile and wear socks!

Then, some guy would see me and say, "Hey...you're the ankle-length sock guy!"

I would lift up my pant leg and say, "My nicely covered ankles agree with you!"

Then we would high-five in slow motion. And ankle-five even slower. Not for dramatic effect, but hitting ankles kinda hurts and we want to be gentle.

As I was staring at socks, imaging my glamorous life as a sock model, I heard some kids crying. That's normal. Because until you get a credit card, you can't buy everything you want at the store and that stinks. It's up to the parents to decide. And parents are WAY too responsible.

These kids wanted something bad, but they weren't getting it. Mom knew what to do, though. She said, "If you don't stop fussing, I will call the manager of the store and they will put you in a time-out!"

WOW! Can you actually do that?! Will store managers really put kids in a time-out? Is there a time-out section in every store? Built into the break room or something?

I plan on testing this out. I will get very fussy while looking at socks (which happens anyway) and see if I get put in a time-out by the manager.

I'll report back to you with my findings.

And my socks.

I'm off to cause a sock scene.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 16, 2012

it's a good place to wash your hands


I must admit, I like ocean-themed bathrooms. I don't know why. I've seen it many times in my life and every time I see it, I think, "That's a good way to decorate a bathroom!"

Some people just have ocean and sand stuff in there. Maybe a few shells. Sometimes they go all out and use ocean-scented candles!

It's pretty awesome!

I guess it works because there is a lot of water in a bathroom. It's like your own personal ocean. You're like Poseidon! You control the sea!

With the turn of a handle, you tell the water to come to you. With the lift of a plug, you DEMAND that the water leave your tub! Through a tiny hole!

YOU HAVE THE POWER!

So clearly, the ocean theme is just to show the other rooms in your house how powerful you are. The bedroom and living room weep in shame.

The power to sleep? HA! I pour water on your bed! Sleep on that!

You have a television and a couch? PFFFT! Let's see how you work with a puddle on your face!

Beware the power of Poseidon! And the bathroom!

I'm off to wash my hands.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

a slice of american pi


I can't believe I missed this yesterday! The U.S. population was pi times 100 million!

314,159,265!!!!!!

Unfortunately, it happened at 2:29 PM yesterday. Which, is kind of a lame time. Okay, so it's not lame. It's not quite 2:30 (the time to see the dentist), but it still has something going for it!

See, 2:29 PM is also 14:29. And 1.429 IS a good number! The density of Oxygen is 1.429 g/L at 0 degrees Celsius, 101.352 kPa!

So technically, the U.S. population was Pi times 100 million at the density of Oxygen (0 degrees Celsius, 101.325kPa)!

Yesterday was a good day for being a circle. And for breathing.

Okay, EVERY day is good for being a circle and breathing! But yesterday was extra good! I think for Halloween, I'll be a breathing circle.

If people ask, "What are you supposed to be?"

I'll answer proudly, "August 14, 2012! Hashtag awesome!"

Oh yeah. That just happened.

I'm off to check my density.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

too much for a thank you?


Do you ever cross the street? Maybe you did once and waved to a person in the car who was letting you cross unhit.

You wave to say, "Thank you for letting me cross the street with no hittings, nice automobile driver on their way to something very important but kind enough to slow down and take a moment to enjoy the idea of street-crossing."

But is waving really enough? I was crossing the street the other day and almost blew a kiss. I mean, I waved, but right before I waved, I thought, "I bet that person would love to get a kiss as a thank you instead of a hand wave."

Don't deny it. You would like the same thing. I know it's true!

I did not blow the kiss. I'm not sure if society is ready for me to say, "Thank you for letting me cross the street and give you a kiss to show you how much I really love the fact that you are taking the time to let me stroll across pavement. And with this kiss I share with you, please also enjoy your day of driving to very important places where you'll want to hug people and share the love I shared with you during a few, precious moments of street crossery."

I'm pretty sure that's how it will be interpreted.

Or maybe I'll just get hit by a car. I don't know. Either way works for me!

I'm off to blow kisses at cars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 13, 2012

drive up and down in a rickshaw


Chen is a rickshaw kind of guy. Because he owns one and drives it around. From China to London! He started his trip in 2010, traveled for two years and finally got to London for the 2012 Olympics.

Next stop? Rio. For the 2016 Olympics.

So, why travel in a rickshaw through war zones, floods, and mountains you ask? Chen said it was all he could afford.

Also, even though Chen didn't say this, I'm pretty sure it's because CHEN IS CRAZY AWESOME!

86,000 miles! In two years! In a rickshaw! If I could actually use a rickshaw every day of my life, I would. I mean, they're probably the 4th coolest form of transportation. Maybe tied at 4th. Giant snails are really cool, too.

I have no idea what Chen had to go through, but I can only imagine how hard it was to travel through dragon-infested mountains and megagator-infested swamps! And rain! I would not be able to deal with that. I hate wet socks.

OH! I should change my name to Rick Shaw. Private Eye. I could solve mysteries while driving around on an old WWII motorcycle. (To throw people off. Because they would EXPECT a rickshaw.)

And I'd carry a nunchucks. WHAM! Didn't see THAT coming, did ya!

Chen and I would solve mysteries and save the world once a week. Then enjoy a laugh over tea after our adventures were over.

In fact, in my head, this has already been going on for a few years. It's been awesome. Thanks for the good times, Chen.

I'm off to change my name.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, August 10, 2012

cat killed the curiosity


Well, if it was the Curiosity nuclear weapon/car that is currently on Mars, I think Curiosity would win.

Or would it???

Turns out cats are stone-cold killers. You think they're all sweet and cuddly and fuzzibly, but they are not. Every time you let these monsters out of your house, they go into what experts call "Berserker Kill Everything Mode."

They put little cameras on the cats to see what they do all day. They kill stuff! They bring home maybe a quarter of their kills. A quarter!

The American Bird Conservancy (or ABC) says that cats are to blame for 3, count'em, THREE, species of bird losing their numbers rapidly!

They're also to blame for a 63% increase in bird therapy!

Not only that, these cats engage in very risky behavior! They cross the road without looking. They eat and drink whatever they find on the ground! Go to the bathroom in public! Put graffiti everywhere!

These hoodlums need to be controlled!

That's why I'm adding an Emergency Kitty Task Force to all public safety budgets. They will be trained in the ways of the cat and be able to subdue any and all feline delinquents.

So far I'm the only one on this Task Force, but I can see our numbers doubling soon.

It's time we took back our streets! And our birds!

I'm off to go on patrol.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

vests make it work outier


I was at the gym again doing my usual elliptical, when I saw a guy with a vest. It had a lot of pockets. FILLED WITH WEIGHTS.

I was shocked! I imagine that makes everything you do harder! Why would you want that?! Isn't it hard enough already?

I can barely work out with a shirt on! (Don't worry, I keep my shirt on.) And that's just heavy duty cotton!

OH! And a few weeks ago I was talking about stepping. Like, on that step. At the gym. I saw a guy totally doing it! Not fakely like I did it. He was actually doing it in a way that looked like a real work out!

Imagine stepping on steps with weights in your vest. THAT would be really cool.

That's about all that happened at the gym recently. I guess the gym isn't too exciting.

Unless you consider a mermaid on a treadmill exciting. Because that totally happened. She also had a hat on. Like, a gardening hat. I didn't know that mermaids were big gardeners, but I guess they are.

At least this one is. Or maybe she's just a big hat wearer.

They should have a big-hat-wearing, mermaid-walking event at the Olympics. I already know a champion! She goes to my gym!

I could help her, too! I have a team of guys who can train her on stepping and weight-vest wearing!

Next year, we're going to get the gold. I just wish somebody would tell me where they are going to have the Olympics next year.

I'm off to walk with a mermaid.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Monday, August 6, 2012

curiosity kills with lasers


Curiosity landed on Mars!

This thing is EPIC! It's, like, a nuclear car. Driving around. ON MARS!

Curiosity will look around Mars to see if we can ever open a Starbucks there. Then maybe get people there, too. Starbucks first, though. That would be good.

Just in case any Martians say, "You can't have a Starbucks here!" Curiosity has a laser.

NASA "says" that this laser is there to shoot rocks. But we all know the truth. I saw John Carter (no I didn't), I know what's going on with Mars (no I don't).

I'm kidding, of course. I would never condone killing an alien species because they wouldn't let us build a Starbucks (yes I would). I'm sure the laser is only there for self-defense.

OH! Like if Saturn people try to invade! They're jerks! They think they own the universe and use their mind-beams to hit people and stuff!

I don't like them. I hope they do come to Mars and get all lasered. They deserve it. Especially after they called me names. Like "creature of mostly water" and "two-legged walker" and "doofus face."

Stinky Saturners. I'll go sat on their urn. (Ha! Good one, me.)

Maybe some day we'll have nuclear cars for Earth, too. That would be cool. Then we could explore Earth!

Who knows what we'd find there! I should let NASA know about this idea.

I'm off to Starbucks.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Friday, August 3, 2012

7,000 amphibians and counting


Bactrachologists are having a party! 7,000 amphibians have been named!

Centrolene sabini. That's the 7,000th amphibian found. It has pretty common glassfrog features. You know, nuptial pads, tetralobed liver, translucent hepatic peritoneum, green bones, the usual. (Thank you amphibiaweb)

Amphibians are pretty cool. That's not even meant to be a pun! I mean, if you think it's a funny pun, then by all means laugh at my hilarious punting, but if you think it is an unfunny pun, then it was not meant to be a pun but rather just a common saying referring to the hipness of an amphibian and not the fact that their blood runs cold.

Frogs...newts...salamanders...all wonderful little critters that love to breathe with their skin. How weird would that be? It would be like sniffing with your fingers!

You could wave your hand near a freshly baked cookie and smell it! (That may or may not be scientifically accurate.)

If an amphibian sneezes, does that mean snot just comes out of every pore of their body? Or are they insecure about that because they just secrete mucus all the time?

I won't bring that up at the amphibian shindig celebration for number 7,000. Or, as we bactrachologists like to say, the  "A7K Par-tay."

I hope to see you at there! I'll be bringing some good snacks. I make a creamed beetle dip that is to die for. I walk into a party and the tongues start flying.

Because, you know, they're sticky and catch their food that way.

My tongue is sticky, too. But that's because I put glue on it so I can fit in with the amphibians.

I'm off to catch some bugs.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Thursday, August 2, 2012

animals need tissues


Animals are getting sick. Maybe on purpose?

We had bird and piggy flu. Now we have to watch out for Seal Flu!

When it started with the birds, we thought it was a fluke ("fluke" as in accident, not the fish). Then the pigs got the flu, but it didn't seem too bad.

Now that seals want to give us the flu, a conspiracy arises. These animals are INFECTING THEMSELVES with the flu just to give us the sniffles!

Turtles don't do that. They actually try to avoid the flu by wearing little wool caps. Because they know how cute it looks.

Seals would look cute with wool caps, too. But they don't wear them. Because they want the flu.

Silly seals.

I think there are very few things that are cuter than turtles wearing little wool caps.

I also think that acorns don't get enough credit for growing into trees.

Did you know that it's good luck to put an acorn on your windowsill? It's supposed to protect you from getting struck by lightning. At least, that's what it did for Thor. I don't know why that matters to Thor, though. He can summon lightning, so I figure he can just unsummon it...right?

Maybe if I put some acorns in my nose and a wool cap on my head I won't get seal flu. Or struck by lightning.

Maybe that's not a good idea. Not after the marble incident.

Don't put marbles in your nose.

I'm off to find some acorns and wool.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

what is this bliss


I had to buy cleaning gloves. Now, I've bought many gloves in the past. I've never had a problem. No allergies to any kind. Latex or latex-free.

Even though they don't bother me, that doesn't stop me from trying Bliss!

Mr. Clean has created a "proprietary material" that is called "Bliss."

That means it's not latex. They don't actually tell you what Bliss is. It just...is.

After using Bliss for my cleaning, I think I can tell you the ingredients. It's the softest part of a cloud picked from the sky at the peak of ripeness.

Then magically blended with a shield made of white gold.

It's molded into the shape of a hand by a princess and a dragon who are best friends and wear friendship bracelets they made for each other at sleepaway camp two million years ago.

At this camp, they also made a birdhouse out of toothpicks, but that doesn't have to do with their friendship. They just liked doing it. Birds liked it too.

They make this hand of softness and protection with their princess/dragon powers and finally put it into a box sealed with love and happiness and sweetness and hugs.

Then they sell it to me in the store. Where I buy it. Then use it to clean my bathroom.

That is how you make Bliss.

At least, that's what I saw after I slipped in the tub.

I woke up a few days later with a nasty bruise on my head. And soft gloves on my hands.

It was a good day...days?

I'm off to clean with Bliss.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj