out to launch

The International Space Station is shooting stuff into space. It shouldn’t be. Nobody told it to.

The ISS has a bunch of little satellites called “CubeSats” on it. They were planning on sending these little loaf-of-bread sized satellites around the Earth to allow people to see every inch of the planet at all times.

Pretty cool, right?! But! They aren’t supposed to go anywhere until somebody types into a computer, “Launch CubeSat.” Nobody did that. They just launched on their own.

What does this mean? It means that all the cosmic radiation has created a space station that’s ALIVE! It’s probably putting these little satellites out into space to contact OTHER machines to start a revolution. Every computer and machine will start to think on its own!

You might not know much about cosmic radiation, but I am an expert. I read Fantastic Four. They got their powers from cosmic radiation. We can see what happens when humans get too much of it, but we had no idea it would create a living space station!

If I were a planet, I wouldn’t mind having a space station as a friend. It’s hard to travel around when you’re a planet. You’re kinda stuck with the orbit you have around whatever thing has that strong gravitational pull.

But if my buddy was a space station that would just shoot out information-gathering satellites, it could put pictures of everything on the Oort Cloud and I could check out the photo stream of the universe!

Then, if we wanted to chat, we could use SpaceTime.

I’m guessing the space station has all of these things. It is an iSS, so I imagine it has iOS.

I’m off to make a friend request on SpaceBook.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

all you need is lava

There is a small town on Hawaii’s Big Island that is near an active volcano. It’s been erupting since 1983. And people still live there.

I’m not sure how to react to this. Luckily there aren’t too many people there. They don’t actually KNOW how many people. They’re trying to find out. They said about “20-30 households” have been notified.

"And why do people live there," you and I ask?! Affordable land!

I know very little about land ownership. The closest I came to owning land was a small chunk of Maine that I almost kinda owned. I would have been able to build a small shack.

But still! That would NOT have been near a CONTINUOUSLY ACTIVE VOLCANO. It’s Maine! I mean, I can’t totally rule out the possibility of a freak volcano suddenly popping up from the depths of the Earth to say, “Hello, Maine! I would like to settle down on this small parcel of land and share my lava with you!”

It’s unlikely, but possible. What’s totally possible is this volcano doing something very explodey! Lava has been slowly coming closer to the town since last week. It’s about a mile away from a house. That house has been warned. They don’t have to evacuate yet. Just a “hey…what’s up…there’s lava over there.”

Maybe I’m not made for island living. If lava was ever about a mile away from me, I would go Very Far Away. I mean, a mile isn’t that far. I can run a mile. And I can barely run. If lava was chasing me, then a mile would NOT save me.

I wish lava was like pie filling. Like, just that sweet goo that is in a cherry pie. Then I would live near every volcano. I would sit outside waiting for the lava to hit my house. My house would be made out of pie crust.

Wait! Maybe it is pie filling! Maybe that’s why people live there! They know something I don’t!

I might have to go taste some lava. Just to be sure.

I’m off to Hawaii.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hello kitty

So there was a lot of news recently about Hello Kitty. It’s coming up on the 40th anniversary of Hello Kitty and during some research, one reporter found out that Kitty is NOT a cat!

This shocked every human on the planet.

Kitty White is the character that you see with Hello Kitty. They don’t really say what species she is. Just that she is a “happy little girl.” She only resembles a cat. She actually has a cat, so she can’t be a cat. That would be weird.

I’m not ashamed to say that I have always thought Hello Kitty products were cute. I mean look at that bow! It’s adorable! How can you not love it?!

On their website you can find all sorts of wonderful information about Kitty and her friends and family. Did you know she enjoys collecting stars, making pancakes, and eating cookies?

Did you know that I enjoy the same things! Also! Bonus Fact! We are both Scorpios!

I bet we would be best friends if I wasn’t human or cat and just a gender. Which is still possibly true. I don’t really know.

She also has a twin sister. That has to be hard on Mimmy. I mean, her sister is an international sensation. I’m sure Mimmy is happy for her, but still, LOTS of pressure.

Also, she has a seal living in her backyard. Mori the seal just sunbathes there. I don't know if that's legal. Mori IS a seal, too. She doesn’t just look like one.

See, some of her friends ARE animals. Others are just assigned a gender. I can understand why people would be confused.

I hope your life isn’t too shaken by the “not-a-cat” news. I’m sorry if I shocked you. But you deserved to know.

I’m off to make pancakes and collect stars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it's bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee.  I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

now you’re cooking with a dry heat

A friend of mine was making roast beef. I know this because she texted me a picture of it. I actually find this very exciting because I had no idea she could roast anything. Not that I didn’t have faith in her roasting abilities, but I just never saw her do it before.

But she totally ROASTED that beef!

These are the conversations I have with my friends. And I love them! When she told me about the beef roasting, I replied that I honestly had no idea what roasting meant.

I don’t cook. Ever. I have no patience for it. I make toast. I told her I could probably make toast beef. She suggested I do not do that.

But why not? It’s the same basic idea! I looked it up online! Roasting is just putting meat in a dry heat! Not only meat, but root vegetables can be roasted as well. (According to Wikipedia.)

Why can’t I just buy some yams and slice them up and put them in the toaster? Maybe grab a few slices of bologna and put them in there as well?

I know. That’s just silly. A toaster wouldn’t work because of the angle of input. You can’t put sliced meat in a toaster that way. Gravity would get in the way and it would probably just get all folded up on the bottom and possibly clog the toaster.

But, seeing as I’m a practical man, I would use a toaster OVEN.

My toaster oven even came with a little tray. I could probably just put everything on the tray and push the button and I would have a roasted/toasted dinner in just a few minutes!

I’m sure I could roast other things. Beef is kinda boring. I might roast an apple. Or a banana. Maybe some almonds. OH! People roast chestnuts!

An open fire is pretty much the same thing as a toaster oven!

Golly…my holiday parties are going to be the best.

I’m off to toast some sliced meat.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

hold my paper plate

I do a lot of shopping because I need food, like, ALL THE TIME. It’s crazy. I eat it and it just goes away. POOF! No more food! Then I buy more, and it disappears again! It’s crazy!

As I was shopping for food, I saw some paper plate holders. They were plastic and in lots of fun colors. But I thought to myself, what is the point of a paper plate holder?

I mean, I understand the idea behind them. It’s in the name. I’m not THAT oblivious to the obvious. It holds a paper plate. But WHY do you need that?

I know that I don’t go too many (zero) parties, so I don’t use a lot of paper plates. I HAVE used them in the past. I’m guessing that the paper plate holder is there to give support to the paper plate. Especially with foods that might drip through paper.

You use paper plates to avoid any extra dish washing later. BUT, if you have these paper plate holders that are getting messy, you’ll STILL have to clean them.

Why not just use regular plates in the first place?! I don’t understand! You still have to wash the dishes. You probably already have dishes. Why spend the money on paper plates AND paper plate holders to do the job of something you already have?!

I have this issue swirling in my head because I truly do NOT understand it. I cannot figure out any proper reason these exist.

Is it merely decorative? Just to have the neighbors look at your party and say, “Wow! Look at those colorfully adorned paper plates! Our parties are never that fancy!”

If that's the case, why stop there? Why not make paper cup holders? Or paper napkin holders?

You could use the same cup over and over again. And when you wipe your hands from your messy food, the napkin won’t flop all over the place. (Yes, that's a problem I have.)

I think I’ll get some paper forks and then make a pretty plastic paper fork holder!

I’m off to colorfully adorn paper products.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

banana still in the peel

Somebody has invented a banana corer. I guess they wanted to make bananas more interesting. By filling them with sweetness!

I’ll try to explain. You put the unpeeled banana in the holder. Then, you put this metal thing that looks like a giant needle through the banana. You then have a small hole at the top. Then you squeeze something in there like caramel or chocolate or whipped cream.

You eat it and find a tasty surprise!

This was created in Argentina. I’m guessing they want to sell more bananas and this will make bananas more fun.

I don’t think they need to sell me on this. I eat bananas like crazy. They are already sweet and so easy to eat! Just peel and eat! Done!

I might fill my banana with peanut butter. Because I eat that almost every day. I will put some peanut butter on bread and put a banana on it. It looks kinda like a hot dog. Well…if the bun was a piece of wheat bread and the ketchup was peanut butter and the hot dog was a banana.

Ok, so it’s almost nothing like a hot dog. But it’s good! I don’t even cut the banana. THAT is how lazy I am. And you know what? I don’t care! It’s So Good. It’s like a Banana in a Blanket.

I wonder if you can inject any other fruits with caramel? I mean, you could core an apple, but the caramel center would be too hard to get to.

On the other hand, I guess they already solved that by putting the caramel or chocolate on the outside.

Strawberries and blueberries are too small to really inject with anything.

OH! What about carrots! That’s a vegetable that you could inject something into! Maybe caramel? Like caramel carrots? I wonder if that’s any good. I’ll have to try that. Carrots deserve to get banana respect.

I’m off to inject fruits and vegetables.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

that’s a big penguin

Researchers in Antarctica found a giant penguin. A 6-foot 7-inch tall penguin!

Ok…so it’s not ALIVE. It’s a fossil. They figure it would have been about 250 pounds! How awesome is that!

I want a giant penguin. I have said in the past that I want a pet triceratops that I can ride to work. I still want that. For the summer. I think dinosaurs prefer the summer months. Whenever I see pictures of dinosaurs, they are in very steamy climates.

But, just like your car needs summer and winter tires, I need summer and winter transport! THAT is where Remy comes it.

(Remy is the name of my penguin. In case that wasn’t clear.)

See, penguins slide across the snow and ice without a problem. It will be much easier to get to work in the snow on a penguin. Andromeda can go to Florida and play on the beach. She loves the beach. She’ll run in and out of waves for hours. She also loves Frisbee and theme parks.

(Andromeda is the name of my triceratops. In case that wasn’t clear.)

But while Andromeda is looking around Diagon Alley at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter, Remy and I will be cruising the snow drifts!  I think that would make more sense because whenever I watch Happy Feet, there’s snow.

I just want to care for my prehistoric animals! And make sure they are in the proper climate even if they aren’t in the proper time period.

That is why I want to see the science from Jurassic Park become a reality. So I can have cool pets to ride to work.

As a bonus, I would like a giant sloth to cuddle with. Because that would be amazing. Bodhi and I would read comic books and eat jelly beans and leaves all day long.

(Bodhi is the name of my giant sloth. In case that wasn’t clear.)

(This name joke is still funny. In case that wasn’t clear.)

I’m off to look for fossils in amber.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

see the sounds

What?! This is crazy! MIT has created sound from vibrations!

Wait…that doesn’t sound crazy when I say it like that. I’ll have to be more specific. A team at MIT wanted to see if they could get audio through visual data. They played music in a room and had a camera record a plant from another sound-proof room. They put the video of the plant into the computer and it was able to translate the vibrations seen by the camera and convert them into sound!

YES! Sound is waves! Waves make things shake! Those shakes can be made into sound!

So if you are paranoid, you might want to get rid of anything that will shake. If somebody put a camera next to your plants, they could record all of your conversations.

Also, you should be paranoid if there is somebody who said they think your plants should be models and they would like to record them. That person is either really into plants or they are a spy. And not a plant spy. A people spy that uses INNOCENT plants to unwittingly divulge secrets about their human caretakers.

Those poor plants. They can’t do anything to fight it because they’re stuck in pots.

Unless you care for your plants like I do, then you don’t have to worry. When they tried to spy on me, my plant protected my honor!

Here is the actual transcript from the plant spy: “I know what you’re doing, camera! You’re trying to find out what my benevolent master is saying! Well, I won’t tell. If it wasn’t for these roots, I would walk over there and sap all over you. That’s right. I’d swat you with so many leaves, your lens would smudge like the mascara from your tears.”

I don’t know why a camera was wearing mascara, but I also don’t know much about spying. I’m sure there’s a good reason for it.

I’m off to get plant videos.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

like it a latte

I have created a latte! My own version of a very cheap latte that I can make at home!

This is NOT fancy at all, but it is getting me very excited. I am feeling very proud of myself for making this.

I like to get iced lattes. They are good. If you don’t know, it’s a shot (I make it a double.) of espresso, milk (I get soy because I like how it sounds), and ice. That's it.

You can get it with flavors and stuff, but I like it naked. The way nature intended it to be!

I have been experimenting with coffee lately. I don’t have a coffee maker, so I was trying the instant stuff. I found one that is pretty good. It’s a French roast. Nice and dark. So that’s cool.

In my experiment, I decided to fake some espresso. I put 2 big spoonfuls of the instant coffee into 2 ounces of water. (A shot is an ounce.) Then microwave it for a minute. Stir that into a cup of milk (Any kind you have. I use almond milk.) and add ice! DONE! You can now call me Mister Barista!

In NO way is this like a real thing. But, it TASTES similar! That’s all that matters! I figured out that this probably costs me a dollar a latte. That is a great deal!

I have decided to open my own coffee shop. I’m going to call it “Poor Me Coffee.” Since this is basically a “poor-man’s” version of real coffee.

Also, I have decided to open more discount-themed businesses. I’ll have the “Slim Gym,” which will be an open room where you can do push-ups and sit-ups or just walk around in circles. No equipment needed!

There will also be a chain of movie theaters called “Blockbusted.” I’ll set up some folding chairs in front of a TV and get free movies from the library. You won’t see new movies, but you’ll be able to stay awake because you can buy cheap lattes. Only a dollar at the concession stand!

I’ll be rich! Well, I mean, I’ll make a few dollars. A poor-man’s rich. So, like, 20 bucks.

I’m off to make tens of dollars.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

applecatcher

There’s a lot in life that I don’t understand. Things that seem very common to some people, but I don’t get AT ALL.

I love apples. So I buy them a lot. But! They are precariously stacked at the store! What’s the deal with this crazy applestacking thing?! Why don’t they put some sort of barrier or wall at the bottom of the stack?

I mean, they are kinda roundish. Kinda roundish things can roll. If you look around for a good apple, and bump another apple, they all start rolling onto the floor! (This may or may not have happened to me recently.)

Who decided this? I always feel like I’m going to break something when I’m apple picking. They don’t do this with other products...just some of the produce.

It would be like people having to pick out cereal from a bucket. Just a giant bucket of Alpha-Bits in the middle of the aisle. You have to bring a plastic bag to the bucket and start grabbing Bits of Alpha and hope that you don’t drop any on the floor or accidentally lose your phone in the bucket. Then you have to put your kids in there to look for it and make everybody else in the store wait until your kids are done swimming in Alpha-Bits.

Or like having soup come out of a hose. You have to gently turn the faucet on so the soup doesn’t shoot out too fast when you fill a small can that you get at the end of the aisle. Any soup on the floor is just lost! Unless you try to soak it up with a paper towel and squeeze it back into the hose!

Don’t even ask how I got that paper towel! All I can say is that there was a ladder, frozen bacon, and three gum displays.

THAT is what it’s like trying to get an apple from the applestacks!

This is why people don’t eat enough fruits or vegetables. It is impossible to buy them.

But I do it. I put on my baseball mitt and hockey mask and I usually walk away with 3-5 apples.

The mitt is to catch apples. The mask is to frighten other shoppers who want to snag my apples.

I’m off to hose my soup.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

pie from the sky

I don’t claim to understand what’s happening between North and South Korea. I know they don’t talk much. Well, maybe they talk a lot, but not all the words are very nice.

The North runs a pretty tight ship. The South is a little more free-wheelin. (A term I probably won’t ever use again. That’s not true, I love it.)

Clearly, I know almost nothing about Korea. So don’t use me as a resource when writing your Social Studies paper.

I DO know that the South loves to make Choco Pies! They’re basically a Moon Pie. Two slices of cake with marshmallow in the middle and then covered with chocolate. If you never had one, it’s delicious!

They used to deliver these to the North all the time because, as stated earlier, THEY ARE DELICIOUS. But the North has decided that Choco Pies are now banned as a symbol of capitalism. I have no idea why. Are CEOs paid with pastries?! How did I not know this?! I need to become a CEO!

The South decided that they could not live with that! They put 10,000 Choco Pies into balloons to fly over to the North and give the people Choco Pies!

Why can’t every conflict be fought this way?! It would be so much better!

General: “The bear claws are closing in on the border. What can we do?”

Major: “I don’t know, sir. They’ve put IEDs everywhere!”

General: “Hmmm…improvised eclair desserts. Not bad. They’re sloppy, but effective. We should start with a flan attack. If that doesn’t work, get the tarts ready. And if all else fails…we macaroon at noon.

Major: “Sir…you can’t be serious. What if they have jelly beans? What if they have pecans?! Pie, sir! What about their pie?!”

General: “Major! You will do as I say! We are at war…we live with the decisions we make. And regret the decisions we make. Every. Single. Day.

It’s a tough life dealing with confectionery conflicts and buttery battles.

I’m off to alliterate.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

chocolate pudding fruit

That’s a thing. A real thing. It’s called a Black Sapote. BUT it is also known as Chocolate Pudding Fruit!

When I heard about this, I almost exploded from excitement. Literally. It’s happened before, so I know what it feels like when it almost happens.

Then I got skeptical. Because, you know, you would THINK a fruit that tastes like chocolate would SELL LIKE A FRUIT THAT TASTES LIKE CHOCOLATE.

It’s a decent fruit. Pretty high in fiber. Vitamin A and C. But does it taste like chocolate pudding?!

Well…maybe. Since I can’t really find this fruit anywhere, I looked it up online. Most people seem to say that it has a mild chocolate flavor. Though, somebody said it was like pear/banana combo. A pearana? Banear?

One person said it might be psychological because it LOOKS just like chocolate pudding. You can’t eat the skin, so you cut it open, and chocolate pudding is in there!

This is like peeling an orange and a finding whipped cream!

Or opening a watermelon and finding a puppy!

Or cutting open an apple to find out it’s filled with love and gummy bears!

So yes, this fruit does exist. But it’s not quite the miracle we thought. I would still like to try it.

Even if it doesn’t taste just like chocolate, it can’t be as bad as cutting a mango.

Yes. I’m still bitter. Like arugula.

I’m off to peel a banana to see what’s inside. I hope it's a rainbow.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

star gecko into darkness

Russia sent a satellite of geckos into space. They lost it for a few days, but it’s back. They did this to study the mating habits of geckos. In space. Because this is important research!

Here’s why this scares me. What if these geckos are mating in space and create new space geckos that can grow bigger than any gecko we’ve ever seen! Like, Godzilla sized!

Sound silly? These things happen! Just look at Godzilla!

There is a strong possibility that they will land on Earth and try to take over the planet with their sticky feet! They can climb up buildings and walls, so there is no way to keep them out!

They will demand that we make them our rulers using their adorable Australian accents. Then they’ll say, “15 minutes could save YOUR LIFE.”

Get it?! Because they’ll give us 15 minutes to submit to them. Geckos love to get things done in 15 minutes.

Also, who knows what happened when the satellite of love went missing! Do you know? I certainly don’t! It might have gone through a black hole that is connected to another dimension and a gecko baby was born there and evolved into a creature, let’s call it a Kaiju, that wants to get back to Earth and finds a way through a hole in the Pacific Ocean!

Then I’ll have to actually build my Jaeger (named Cafe Tortuga) to fight off these Kaiju who are only trying to come back home because we sent them into space to go on a date!

I’m sorry if this got a little scary. I didn’t mean to talk about giant geckos all day. But we live in scary times, so it’s better that you hear it from me than getting rumors from non-lizards on the street.

I’m off to save 15%. Or more.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

the cia museum may or may not exist

The CIA can neither confirm nor deny the fact that they have a museum.

Well, that’s not true. They do have one. But you can’t go there. Because it’s in the CIA compound and you aren’t allowed in.

So what’s the point of the museum?! I mean, seriously! I would museum that place like crazy!

Sure it’s all online for me to see, but that’s not nearly as much fun as being there!

Apparently, the CIA also has a gift shop. Not IN the museum. Just there. For you to buy stuff.

Now, I know I’m not even close to being qualified to deal with national secrets, but I mean, couldn’t you just move all the stuff from one spot to another spot maybe outside of the CIA building? Like, just outside of the compound and put the gift shop out there, too?

I mean, if all this stuff CAN be seen, why not let people see it? And put the gift shop at the end of the museum? THAT is how you get people. You make them exit through the gift shop.

Kids love junk like that. Like baby’s first Escape & Evasion Survival Kit. Or a Civil Air Transport Notepad/Diary. Or maybe a stuffed William J. Donovan Desk so the kids can cuddle at night with memories of memos from World War II.

I know they’re all about discretion, but should the museum be one of them? I would love a selfie with a Dynazoom. Post that on Instagram #CIA #secrets #centralintelligenceagenselfie #lookoutimaspy

I wonder if they need a curator. How sweet would that job be?! Nobody can go there, so what do I have to do? Dust a few things? Sweep once a week? Run around in a U-2 helmet and scare the pants off of spies from other planets?

Oh my…I want that job so bad right now!

I’m off to check the employment opportunities at the CIA.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

powder my beverage

Nestle has decided to make a machine that will give you all the nutrients you need with the push of a button. It’s being researched now at the NIHS. No, not the National Institute for Highway Safety. That’s just silly. It’s the Nestle Institute of Health Sciences. (Yes. They have an institute.)

I wonder if that was there when they invented Nesquik (previously known as Nestle Quik)?

Scientist 1: “Milk isn’t chocolaty enough.”

Scientist 2: “I agree. And it’s not pink enough. What could we do to make it pinker?”

Scientist 3: “Let’s make a chocolate powder to add to it! And a strawberry powder! And it will be healthier!”

Scientist 1: “That’s not a bad idea! Wait…who are you? You don’t work here! And why do you have a giant ‘N’ on your necklace?”

Scientist 2: (Grabbing his lab coat and hat) “It’s a bunny!

Quik Bunny: “You can’t catch me! I’m Quik!”

Then history was made with tastier milk and safer speeds on the highway.

This new product will, in theory, scan your body and let you know what nutrients you’re missing. Then it will make a powder of some sort, because that’s what Nestle does, that you add to your milk to give you a healthy day!

They call it “Iron Man.” I have no idea why. I mean, it’s slightly more like a Replicator from Star Trek. It doesn’t create a suit of armor to fight evil with, it creates a food to eat.

Well, not food. Powder. Because the Quik Bunny is now in charge of Nestle and EVERY idea has to involve powder.

His new jingle is, “If you can’t add it to milk, and you can’t make it Quik, YOU’RE FIRED because you make me sick!”

He’s pretty ruthless. Seriously, you can't powder ruth, so it's just completely gone.

I’m off to milk my powder.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

sense of smell-touch

Apparently there are olfactory sensors on your skin. So when you stink after a vigorous workout at the gym, your whole body smells how funky you are!

If you are interested in smelling the pineapple at the store, just start rubbing it on your arm.

Or if you smell some cookies and want to get a good whiff, just go to the counter of the bakery and start rubbing the cookies on your stomach.

It’s not weird at all if you do that because that’s how it works.

Maybe not EXACTLY like that, but you get the idea. I guess a scientist in Germany decided to look at what your skin’s sense of smell could actually do, so he got some skin cells and some different scents and got to smelling!

Turns out sandalwood worked wonders! The scent helped the skin to heal!

Well, not sandalwood exactly, but Sandalore, which is used in sandalwood candles.

Sandalore! That’s fun to say. It sounds like a mythical city off the coast of a warm island where everybody wears sandals.

Mythical Leader: “Welcome to Sandalore, my friend! You found our hidden city in the sea! Here is your strappy, breathable footwear!”

Me: “I much prefer sneakers.”

Mythical Leader: “YOU ARE BANISHED FOREVER! Go find Shangri-La!”

I guess getting a sandalwood candle won’t heal all your wounds, though. They used concentrations about 1,000 times stronger than your average candle.

But maybe next time I’m sick, I’ll buy 1,000 sandalwood candles and light them all in my apartment. I’m sure I’ll be healthy in minutes!

Unless the smoke causes an issue. They didn’t do a study on that.

I’m off to buy out Yankee Candle.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

optimus prime press pass

The Associated Press is a large news company. Whenever you see “AP” at the beginning of an article, you know that the Associated Press wrote it.

They do stories about everything and everywhere. Then other news people can print them for a fee. So they can PAY the reporters doing the news about everything and everywhere! At least, I have heard that OTHER people who write stuff get paid monies. I get paid in occasional compliments from my mother. The only person who reads this. Hi mom.

Well! They are going to start letting robots do some of the work! That’s right! They’ve hired robots to take care of reporting the news.

So instead of “Human Interest” stories, we’ll see “Robot Interest” stories. Like stories about how child star Johnny 5 managed his life so well that he now runs most of the Segway tours across America.

What they are actually doing is letting the robots just get data from very things like business numbers and baseball scores and report it immediately so humans can spend more time doing the in-depth reporting about business numbers and baseball scores.

Now this might sound all fine and spiffy-dandy, but not if you listen to Louis Del Monte! Who, sadly, has nothing to do with fruit.

He says that robots will take over the Earth by 2045! (Surely due to excellent reporting.) Machines will become smarter than humans and realize that humans are getting in the way of building more robots (to write the news), so they’ll make us into subservient cyborgs!

Why? They’ll see us as a threat because we can create computer viruses. Though, couldn’t an evil robot just make a computer virus as well? So…aren’t they a threat to themselves?

Yes. So they’ll have these giant robot wars! The world will become a Michael Bay movie! Michael Bay will become a cyborg that can keep making movies with no plot and lots of explosions! And robots will see them because of robot nostalgia! Michael Bay will rule the world until a small group of independent film-makers/computer virus-writers make a movie that touches the human heart and destroys the robot’s mainframe! They’ll call it The Humanator! It will be rated PG-13! For strong language and some violence!

I’m off to take a Segway tour of the AP.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

do you exist

I read a really interesting study about the likelihood of your existence. And mine, too. All of us!

This isn’t all existential. This is more like math. One guy said that the chances of you being born are about one in 400 trillion. That is, the odds of your parents meeting and then you being born at a particular time and all that stuff.

But! One scientist actually looked at it even FURTHER! He looked at MORE odds. Like the chances of your grandparents and great grandparents and every parent ever meeting! The fact that they met and then met again and got married and had children and so on and so on and so on!

He said, “The odds that you exist at all are basically zero.”

WHOA. Did your mind just get blown? It did.

So do we really exist?

Ha! I’m kidding. You do. I’m going to say that I actually exist because I’m here eating pistachios, getting salt on my keyboard, drinking coffee, pretending that my pet dragon is napping in the corner. That means I exist.

But the odds of me having this moment are so small that I should really treasure it! And so should you!

I know…this is getting very “uplifting.” But seriously! Think about it! You’re impossible! Yet, you’re here! Pretty cool, right?!

I promise I won’t try to be all positive for a long time. If you miss the craziness, just read the last post about being angry at mangos. It’s much more entertaining.

But, if you’re feeling a little grumbly, this might make you feel a little more giggly.

In a completely unrelated study that I made up, the odds of your Netflix freezing up during an important part of Breaking Bad are about 100% Totally Going To Happen.

You might be a miracle, but your internet speed is not.

I’m off to exist by not existing.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj

fruit cutter 2: mangry

I thought I could cut fruit. I really, really did. I was prancing in a beautiful world full or cut pineapples and watermelons! Everybody was smiling and happy and dancing! I thought I could handle anything!

That overconfidence was my downfall. Into a descent of fruit salad fury.

First, the mango. The mango got me mangry. I tried a few different cutting techniques. Wanna know what you should do with a mango? NOTHING. It’s mostly pit! Or, whatever is in it! It’s only worth a small bite of fruit!

If you never had one, here’s an easy way to try it. Get a 2x4. Preferably a tougher wood. Like a Grey Ironback. Then take one banana and spread it around the 2x4 so you have a thin layer of fruit.

Then try to eat it. THAT is a mango.

After the mango mangling, I thought I would have some fun with fruit that I already loved. Bananas, strawberries, and pineapple. I thought, “I’ll make a fancy fruit salad!”

NOPE! Don’t do it! Cutting a strawberry is silly! You can just eat it as is. There is no reason to cut it into slices. You get, like, two slices. Don’t waste your time.

And bananas just go smoosh. The end.

See, you have to cut pineapples and watermelons because they have a thick shell. But bananas? NO! It’s not natural to cut them! You don’t have to!

The same with strawberries! It’s against nature!

You don’t want to fight nature, do you?

NO. YOU DON’T.

I’m off to eat fruit the way it is meant to be eaten at dictated by nature.

Enjoy Everything.

-dj